Where do I get the time on a Sat evening to write all this?

Bugger off, you wanker.

The Elderly

Yeah, you guessed it, the elderly. I have no problems with old people. We'll all get there if we're not already there. It's the elderly that piss me off. Listen all you elderly, leave the problem plumbing at home when you eat out and just enjoy yourself. And leave the newage Canadians at home with the dog, too.

Thanks. Next time you decide to vent in public, from any orifice, please don't. Next time you decide to ask for plain, steamed vegetables, don't. Eat your damn fruit cup and shut up.

Thanks.

Bobby Flay: A newage Canadian in disguise?

First of all, I went to Mr. Flay's restaurant Bolo. I ordered a sidecar. Now, I've had sidecars that were too lemony, too sweet, too dry, too much sugar on the rim, with bad cognac with you name it, whisky sour mix, and the list goes on. But this was the first time, Mr. Bobby Flay, that I had one made with horse piss!

Now, the Canadians among you, especially the newage Canadians, might just ask, "When did you taste horse piss for the first time?" And I would answer, "Bugger off you newage Canadians and go eat some fruit for dessert."

$15 for 4 tapas that were at best uninteresting! For shame! Plus, $10 for a glass of mediocre wine and the food, where do I start, well let me throw down a comment, it was not worth the time to chew it.

If you click on the link above, you can see the table, the first one on the right, that we sat at. If you can't find the link, then bugger off.

And to top it all off, Mr. Flay sends me a letter asking me if I want to enroll in his culinary school alma mata. Don't get me started on the French.

"No," I say, "no, Mr. Bobby Flay, not unless I want to make crap and horse piss food."

This is not exactly rubbing anything in your face, you newagers, but I will, so help me. But before I can do that, I have to rip the Dylan a new one.

That first post was for the fluffy new agers

Newagers kill people. I know you newagers will be flocking to this blog. So, this second post isn't for you. Stop reading and go have some green tea. Your day will come.

This second post is for everyone else, meaning Canadians and waiters. Yeah, Canadians kill people, too. I don't want to even talk about waiters. Waiters kill more people than newagers and Canadians combined.

What does a good diet consist of? It consists of food. Enough food to keep your body fueled. This means, you have to get your vitamins and enough calories to get up every day and reproduce. That's the long and short of it.

It doesn't consist of special purifying herbs to leach out the heavy metals, as if, from your blood so that you can become one with the culinary godhood. It could but it doesn't. It doesn't consist of not eating dessert or, Chef! help me, fruit after dinner because it'll ferment in your body. Everything with carbohydrates ferments in your alimentary canal. It doesn't consist of not eating fat because without fat, you're dead. It doesn't consist of not eating carbohydrates, because without carbohydrates, you're dead.

Food it not medicine. It is food. Medicine is medicine. Good food tastes good and bad food tastes bad. Not everyone can eat all foods. Some people have allergies or have trouble processing different foods. Don't eat those food but don't try and tell other people not to eat them.

Sugar and fat and cream and beef and lamb and sausage and wine of all types are all food and are good for you by definition. You have my permission to eat them but you do not have my permission to gorge yourself on them. Moderation, people. Moderation in all things including moderation. So, have a blow out when you are on vacation. Just don't drink and drive. Don't eat and drive or go in the pool and for Chef!'s sake, don't be stupid and drive.

Eat enough to provide the energy you need during the day. If you eat more, you get fat, if you eat less, you die. It's that simple. Stop making it more complicated. I hate newagers. I'm not that fond of waiters and I'm getting less and less fond of crazy Canadians.

Fruit for Life

If you're looking for a fight, you simpleton, you found it. Fermenting indeed.

Flatulence is more than just embarrassing--that buildup of air in your abdomen can become uncomfortable or even painful. Gas is caused by the fermentation of carbohydrates broken down by bacteria, a perfectly normal part of digestion. (From this article.) The upshot, stop eating milk, bran, beans, and other carbohydrates, if you can. Also, get off the low carb diets.

This isn't a feel good blog, rather, this is a blog where I tell you, especially the new-agers and waiters, what a bunch of wankers you are and you go away red faced but wiser. I wont even consider using the spellchecker.

I may also put recipes on this blog. I'm not sure you're worthy. I'll have to think about it. If I eat at a great restaurant, I'll rub your nose in it. In general, it's my ball so go soak your head.

Welcome! Now bugger off. Go fart somewhere else.

Comments welcome.